I have battled with my weight in one form or fashion all of my life. Its something that I have never really been able to get a handle on. I have done diets and had success, but inevitably, I would always return back to my old ways/habits and would put it back on…Plus some extra. Due to the fact that I am an emotion eater and love food in general, I would always use it as my crutch. I have done diets to lose weight for the kids, for other family, because of vanity, or for competition, but one thing that i have finally realized is that the only way to actually make it work, is for me to want to get healthy for me…Not for everyone else.
I have always carried my weight fairly well, most people were shocked when they found out I weighed over 300 lbs. I could look at people on TV and think, wow, they weigh the same as me, but I don’t look that fat, but recently that started to change as my belly started getting much bigger.
Life is full of struggles and hardships. Stress can come in many forms. Stress can come from so many places. I find that externally I am generally able to deal with stress well. I am able to remain somewhat calm on the outside, though I might have been battling a storm inside. While this may be good for the people around me, it is a self destructive cycle. My blood pressure is high without medication, much of this is from my weight, but part is from internalizing stress.
Throughout my life I have been encouraged by listening to the stories of others. To hear about the struggles they have gone through and what they overcame to get to where they are. I would sit back and think, wow, I am not the only one who feels this way or is dealing with things like this or I would think, wow, I am fortunate that I am blessed to not have gone through something that hard – my life isn’t quite that bad and they were able to succeed. I would get an emotional stir inside, a connection. The one common thing that i found or seem to have found with them all is they all finally were able to deal with their internal struggles in some way to allow them to conquer the external issues.
This past summer i hit my low point. I was at Dollywood with my kids. Jacob wanted me to ride Wild Eagle with him. We were both excited about getting to ride it together. We waited in line, and when I got up there to get on the ride, I was TOO FAT to get the buckle to close, and I had to embarrassingly get back off the ride and walk down in front of everyone that was waiting for me to move so they could ride. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I was truly humiliated…I tried to hide it, but I was crushed…I was finally that FAT GUY. I verbally said that I was going to make a change right then, but internally, I withdrew in shame. I never acted upon it. I am not sure what the exact thing was that finally pushed me to determine i had to make a change, but I know I had a day in early December when I had to put on some dressier pants and my size 44 (OH my god I cannot believe I wear pants that big) pants barely fit and were extremely tight. I had trouble bending over to put on my socks. I was so out of breath from doing it that I pretty much hated myself for allowing myself to get that way. I mean, I was a soccer player from the time I was 4 til I was almost 20, I was able to run up and down the field all day, I played pick up basketball and tackle football with friends almost every weekend…Yet here i was not even 40 and I cannot put on socks and shoes without being out of breath.
I decided that it was time for a change, but I also know that I need accountability, especially early on in this journey. I decided that I would openly let others know of my struggle, let them be there with me on the journey knowing it would push me to push myself if I knew others were looking to see what I was doing. I also hoped that maybe, just maybe, my story might help even 1 other person that was battling similar struggles as I am and that they might find encouragement from what I was going through and the changes that I was making. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step towards healing. I hope that others can find some piece of encouragement or inspiration from my Health/fitness/wellness Journey. I know I am excited to share it with others and love seeing others have successes as well.
I am thankful to anyone who took the time to read this. It is those that take the time to read this that I know truly care…God Bless…